November 03, 1999

I have been waiting for over an hour now.

Actually, several days at least.

I’m not exactly sure,

when I started anticipating.

All that I want is to see you,

but no one has seen you today.

Today was supposed to be perfect.

If someone is trying to tell me something

by placing you away from me,

I don’t want to know.

If something must be heard by me,

tell me please, yourself.

I wrote you something.

I have never done that before.

It really means something to me.

I tried to say it,

say it just right so it would really mean something,

Mean something to you too.

but I can feel my chest collapsing,

as I assume you are not here.

It’s early still,

I hope it doesn’t become late yet,

late before I see you.

Why do I always disappoint myself?

This is why I never let myself,

let myself expect too much.

May 13, 1999

I’m going to relax today,

and put you out of my mind.

I’m not thinking of you

because …

I’m trying not to cry right now,

trying not to scream,

trying not to lose my cool,

trying to relax.

I’m trying to think distracting thoughts,

trying not to look up.

I know that if I look at you, my thoughts will melt away,

but once I look not to you

they’ll hit me like a shot.

I’m trying not to cry right now,

trying not to scream,

trying not to lose my cool,

trying to relax.

I wonder if you’re here today.

I wonder where you are.

I wonder if I’m here today.

I wonder where I am.

I’m trying to look down now,

trying not to think.

I’m trying not to cry right now,

trying not to scream,

trying not to lose my cool,

trying to relax.

I’ve pushed you from my thoughts by now,

and there’s a well that must be filled.

The water has rushed in I see.

I wonder where we went.

Oh, lord, please don’t let me cry right now.

Please, don’t let me scream.

Please, don’t let me lose my cool.

Oh, please, let me relax.

I’m trying not to cry right now.

I’m trying not to scream.

I’m trying not to die right now …

May 13, 1999

Your eyes, they’re so curious,

so like a child’s,

so wide and full of wonder.

I think I know.

It’s the fact that you are you.

You have nothing to do with me.

You don’t know me,

nor I you,

and that’s what it is.

What it must be.

So now it’s like a comfort.

It’s like a picture.

You can’t hurt me, nor I you,

but you are still here.

November 02, 1999

You ask me what I’m thinking,

and I tell you I don’t know.

I’m lying, can’t you see?

You ask me who I’m thinking of,

and I tell you I don’t know.

I’m lying, can’t you see?

You ask me where I’m going,

and I tell you I don’t know.

I’m lying, can’t you see?

You ask me what I’m looking at,

and I tell you I don’t know.

I’m lying, can’t you see?

You ask me why I’m staring,

and I tell you I don’t know.

I’m lying, why can’t you see me?

I answer your questions,

for I do know the answers.

I am thinking of you, that’s what.

I am thinking how amazing you are.

I am going wherever you are going.

I will follow if you will lead me.

I am looking at you.

I think your smile is so beautiful.

I’m staring because

I forget everything in your company.

I’m lying because I love you.

Can’t you see?

November 02, 1999

I have tried so many times

with a smile, or a little push,

but you are so far ahead of me.

I just cannot ask you to wait anymore.

You are the one I lied to.

am lying to.

How do I know that you

are not like the rest of them?

Cowardly and cruel,

leading yet, leading me to the ledge.

Lead me to the ocean.

Let us sleep on the sand

with the moonlight as our lantern.

I cannot risk it again,

but I will promise you.

I will lead you to the ocean with me,

if only you would ask me to.

My heart would smile.

If you’re scared, I am sorry.

I am too,

more than you know.

Just remember I am there.

I am here.

Lie to me.

I will tell you the truth.

Ask if you can hold my hand,

and everything will be perfectly perfect.

All that you need to do

is hold my hand.

You need not even say a word.

Just put your hand on my waist,

and walk with me.

Be daring and be bold.

Take a chance on me.

Make me blush if you have doubts,

doubts that I feel the same.

Try me anyway.

I will love you all the more,

but you will have to make that first move.

My feet are cemented to the ground I walk.

and my lips are stuck fast together.

Remember this,

my eyes are free.

and they are locked on yours.

November 02, 1999   

I know I am smart.

I know I am happy.

I know I am beautiful,

and loved.

I don’t need to prove it.

I don’t need to smile.

I don’t need a mirror,

or words.

You know that you are smart.

You know when you are happy.

You know that you are beautiful,

and loved.

Yet, you do need to prove it.

You do need to show it.

You do need mirrors,

and words.

How come you can’t be happy with me?

Be happy in knowing who you are.

The people you are doing this for,

proving this too,

smiling for,

listening for in anticipation of a compliment;

just convince me that you realize,

they will not be there always.

No one will.

The one who will be,

that is the only one that counts.

But, they are not there yet.

So, convince me that you know this,

that all that lasts is you.

Now tell me why?

Why are you like this

if you already know?

November 01, 1999

I watched him walk away from me,

as if never to come back.

I wretched my heart,

for to free it from his grasp.

Finally, I just moved on.

After all these years,

it has been not one moon,

since I have walked alone.

I found someone.

He walked away,

I watched him go.

He had to go.

The first, he left of want.

The second left of need.

The second is still here I feel,

while the first, he has returned.

They all come home within the end.

The second, he’ll return of need.

The first he has returned of want.

I watched them go,

but I’ve lost the will to see them come.

I have grown blind of sight.

My heart, she can only feel by now.

Mine eyes, they have betrayed me once.

It’s time I gave my heart a chance.

Time I followed her advice.

November 01, 1999

I cannot face this anymore.

I cannot take this anymore.

I have no friends.

I have no enemies.

I cannot cry.

My face is hot.

It hurts to breathe.

I am all alone again.

My brain is going to implode.

My heart is going to explode.

This is all of me by now.

My writings and my paintings.

Everybody loves me they say,

but nobody knows why.

They just know that once they did,

once long ago they had a reason,

but ask them now.

They will say because I am me

I’ll bet.

What the hell does that mean anyway?

Everybody is “me”.

We no longer exist,

but now we can only coexist.

We have then, in turn,

ceased our own lives.

October 28, 1999

Is it possible to move on?

Is it possible to let go?

What if you don’t want to,

but every body around you

has you convinced that you do?

Does it count then?

If you do move on, I mean.

Well, what if I am right?

What if I don’t need time,

or distractions,

or anything like that?

What if I am right?

I think I’m not sad.

Not exactly.

I feel it in my heart.

He’ll be back.

Everything will be perfect then.

No matter how everything falls in place.

I’m happy because I’ve realized,

I finally know for sure,

that I really have moved on.

It’s really over.

Now my thoughts

are focused on one person.

I’m not sad,

and I’m not happy,

but I am quite content.

October 22, 1999

If you had a chance,

the chance for one moment

of true happiness,

and say taking that chance would result

in the greatest sadness,

the strongest pain you ever felt.

If you chose not to take that chance,

but instead, you chose

one moment of happiness, not true,

with one equal moment of sorrow,

Which would you decide?

The latter of the two I assume.

Am I right?

What if that first chance

were for a door being opened

for love?

A chance to satisfy

more than just lust.

What of your decision then?